I’ll Never Tell You

WordPress Daily Prompt – Memorize

I know I shouldn’t peek,

It’s taboo right?

To look when your lips are locked with another;

And our lips are definitely locked,

Tongues intertwined,

As your hands travel up and down my sides.

They slip beneath my shirt,

Then slide just inside my jeans.

You push me into the wall,

And tangle them in my hair.

But I want to memorize your eyes,

And the gentle curve of your lashes.

I want to remember your hair,

And the way it tickles my cheeks.

I need to remember your breath,

Moving with mine.

I want to memorize this moment,

The way we acted with reckless abandon.

I want to remember the way you hold me,

With your head resting against mine.

I need to memorize your voice,

Softly whispering in my ear.

Because I’ll never tell you,

That I’m terrified of losing it all,

And waking up to find,

That the memory is all I have,

And everything else has been left behind.

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Embrace the Chaos (Why I Love My Rock N Roll)

WordPress Daily Prompt – Enamored

I’m a little enamored …. In reality I’ve just had this in my head for a while and have been looking for an excuse to write it. It doesn’t fit the prompt really but who cares …

Rock n’ roll.

Chaos.

Rebels.

Our world in it’s purest form is nothing more than chaos.

We’re human, we can’t function in that. We have to categorize, name, label … we have to organize. How else can we maintain control of the chaos? And if you can’t maintain control of the chaos … well, what do you have?

I fell in love with music at an early age and I fell in love with rock n’ roll when I realized how it embraced the chaos.

The very essence of rock n’ roll is chaos, it’s the ever changing, ever evolving, ever rebelling against the categories, names and labels that society has tried to fit over it. At best society finds a neat box for it postmortem but by then it’s slipped again, right through the fingers and onto the next evolution.

How beautiful that change always is.

How misunderstood as well.

In reality everything we know is based off concepts we’ve created. All of our ideas, all of our perceptions, everything in the most basic forms comes from decisions made by other beings just like us. Someone decided the grass was green and the sky was blue and it was so, now that’s what we’re taught.

Seeing the grass as any other color is weird.

We put clocks on ourselves, gave ourselves a set number of hours, days and years. We govern ourselves by our clocks, by what we believe that concept of how much time has passed should say.  We tell ourselves we should or shouldn’t do certain things, we should or shouldn’t love certain people all because maybe we’ve had more or less time pass than others.

Saying age is only a number is odd.

We live in a society that tries to maintain control of the chaos. We poke and prod, we push to extreme measures, we punish, sometimes viciously, those who break the molds.

Then, roaring out of nowhere, comes rock n’ roll. A band of people, just like you and I, riding the chaos. But, they fall outside of societies box, so they’re rebels, they’re bad, they’ll influence your children to drink and smoke and get all drugged up. Then they’ll drag them to the pits of hell and back again on their chaos beast.

Maybe it’s more that the greatest fear we have is the fear of change and what is chaos but change in a constant fluctuating state?

Just like the world around us is always changing so to is rock n’ roll.

The risk comes when you have to decide if you’ll ride that change or if you’ll allow yourself to be placed into a box and neatly labelled.

For me, I will always choose to embrace the chaos. I will always side with my rock n’ roll.

 

A Pest with Excuses

I originally wrote this for another prompt but at the time decided against posting it. Today it also fits the prompt so I’m going to post it with both prompts linked. *As a note: Abuse in any form is serious, psychological abuse is often ignored because there are few physical symptoms but it’s very real and comes with very real consequences. If you are being abused in any way or know someone who is, please reach out, find help, talk to others. There are others out there who understand and who can help. 

WordPress Daily Prompt – Pest

WordPress Daily Prompt – Visceral

“You don’t understand.” I whispered. “I can’t just leave. I can’t just ask for things like my birth certificate then move out.”

“Why not?” I hear the frustration rising in his voice. “You don’t have to ask your parents permission for things, you’re an adult.”

I falter. Technically he’s right but it’s still so hard. How do you explain to someone the fall out that you would face for something as simple as wanting to live your own life. How can you accurately capture the reality of constantly being controlled to the point that the thought of striking out on your own is … crippling? Freeing? A crime that not only will you be punished for but those around you?

“You don’t understand.” I say again even though I know my weak excuse is wearing his patience thin. “I just can’t.” I can hear him sigh into the night and picture him practically pulling his hair out. It’s the kind of sigh my father gives when my answer has fallen just short. It’s the kind of sigh that usually prefaces a silent treatment or a berating and when I don’t immediately hear his voice reply my stomach sinks.

“You’re right, I don’t.” He finally says. “Talk to me. Tell me. Why not?”

I blink back tears, I don’t deserve someone this understanding. If I’ve been taught anything it’s that I’m just a pest full of excuses and this is just another one. I don’t know yet, because although I’m technically an adult I’m still too young to realize how different the world really is, how to explain. I haven’t realized yet that I have a parent who’s a narcissist and has spent my entire life abusing me. Although I feel like it’s not normal I still think maybe I’m the one who’s wrong most of the time. I haven’t escaped from under the grasp enough to realize how faulty my thinking is.

I only know that my asking for things that will assert my independence will set my father off and I will be punished.

But words fail me because I still only think of myself as a pest with excuses.

“I don’t know.” I cry. “I just can’t.”

Bully in the China Shop

WordPress Daily Prompt – Visceral

There’s a bully in my china shop,
Swinging a bat made of words,
Breaking down my tender builds.

From the moment I began,
To the moment I finally run,
Leaving my shop in ruin

The bully in my china shop,
Pretends to be a friend,
He’ll help me build only to tear me down

Slinging the bat mercilessly,
While reminding that this is all my fault,
He turns my walls to dust at my feet.

I can’t go home tonight,
There’s a bully in my china shop,
Just waiting for me to whisper in the wrong tone

He’ll have the bat at the ready,
Destroying any new found treasure,
All to remind me that without him …

I am nothing.

 

Call Me Olivia

WordPress Daily Prompt – Ooze

“Call me Olivia. You’ll hate me in the end.”

It seemed like an odd introduction but when you’ve lived a life filled with oddity you tend to just go with it. Olivia had materialized on my front lawn during a particularly boring Tuesday afternoon. Her lanky frame cast a lovely awkward shadow over the ant hill I was watching.

I think that was why I loved Olivia. She never once asked about my obsession with bugs or birds. She didn’t think it was odd that I found people to be generally a waste of space or that I was certain aliens walked among us.

And before she pushed me into the oozing pile of purple jello that would change my life she pressed her thin lips against mine.

“Remember that I said you’ll hate me in the end?” Still starry eyed at the mystic qualities of that first kiss I simply nodded, “Well, now it’s time.”

3AM Games

WordPress Daily Prompt – Trance

There’s not enough coffee for this.

That’s my first thought at 3:30 in the morning when my body jerks awake. They say you wake when you’re running through someone else’s dreams. I stretch across the bed and issue a silent warning, whoever you are, where ever you are, when I find you … 

Then again, they also say people who suffer from depression are more apt to wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning. The romantic in me swoons at the old wives tale and the idea that maybe a long awaited soulmate is out there dreaming of me, although the realist knows I don’t attend therapy sessions for nothing.

I stare at the ceiling fan trying to latch onto one blade and follow it around and around. It’s a bizarre way of counting sheep but sometimes it works.

Not tonight.

Instead I find myself staring blankly ahead, breathing slowly and deeply. My mind wanders although I can’t quite control where it’s going. I feel like there’s something I’m heading towards but I can’t see it yet.

There’s a fog of sorts obscuring it but I’m sure there’s something there. Perhaps something I should remember? Or a bit of concealed inspiration?

I furrow my brow in concentration, what is it?

Then, as clear as if whispered by someone in the room, a voice I don’t recognize. It whispers my name and sounds close enough to be lying in bed next to me.

My trance is instantly broken as I sit straight up and look around. Beside the bed my dog rolls to the side with a huff.

Otherwise I’m alone in my darkened room.

Just me and the memory of a whisper.