Our Inheritance

WordPress Daily Prompt – Inheritance

Our inheritance is the blood spilled by our ancestors
And the stories never written by the losers of our wars.

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Kaleidoscope

Kaleidoscopes of colors splash the ground
Circled by shadows of wonders now drowned.
Children now grown stand by and fawn
Toward the cloudless fading dawn.
The woman in the chair rolls down the hill
The only witness won’t sit still.
The woman in the chair rolls down the hill
Toward the cloudless fading dawn.
Children now grown stand by and fawn
Circled by shadows of wonders now drowned.
Kaleidoscopes of colors splash the ground


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The World is Loud

I’m dropping an actual blog on you today!

I’ve been without half my hearing for over two weeks.

Over the past couple of days, with a second round of medicine, it seems like it’s beginning to come back but what I hear is still significantly softer in one ear than the other.

Two weeks of only being able to from one ear has been interesting. I’ve noticed a couple things.

The world is fucking loud. When I first lost my hearing it was really sudden, I went to bed one night able to hear and woke up unable to. I slept through my alarm because I was on my side with the ear that could still hear buried in my pillow. In fact, I slept through my alarm every morning for over a week before I learned I needed to make a conscious effort to sleep on the other side so I’d be able to hear it. At work my normally quiet office was even quieter. The sound of constantly running printers and people tapping away on keyboards was dimmed so much that I didn’t notice it at all if they were on my right side (which, for reference, is pretty much my whole department).

All those little side conversations that people have, I could hear them talking but I had no idea what anyone was saying. Even if they were talking loudly but there was more than one person, nope, I just had to tune it out and ask later what the conversation was about. At first it was frustrating but that leads me to lesson 2.

A lot of what is said isn’t really worth it. Often when I asked what was said or what the conversation was about I was just told it was nothing. Rarely was it something worth repeating or worth my attention. I’m a daydreamer, I exist a lot in my own head anyway, not being able to hear found me existing there more than normal. I always thought I’d feel left out if I couldn’t be a part of the mindless office conversations that keep the day going but I didn’t really miss them. I can still have significant conversations with my friends at work and they knew to talk a little louder and slower (and more to my left) so that I’d hear and understand.

I noticed more too. Without my normal range of hearing I had to rely on other things to get me through seemingly normal stuff. Those stiff “heys” in the hallway as you pass people, I couldn’t hear those. I had to rely on facial expressions to determine if they were saying “hey” or if it was more of “oh my god, what’s on her shirt? Does she know that’s there?” I had to rely on body language too, my daughter really loves to start talking to me when I’m in the middle of 50 other things and of course all 50 of those things make noise. I had to rely on what she was doing with her body to see if this was a silly, happy story or sad, “I need support” story or “hey, watch this thing on this TV show that I’ve shown you already 50,000 times” story.

I was once terrified of the idea of not being able to hear. The idea of existing in silence … If you posed the “would you rather be blind or deaf” to me I would choose blind because in my mind I could deal with not being able to see but not hearing? When kids are little and they say they’re scared of the dark … I was the opposite. I was less afraid of the dark and more afraid of quiet. I slept, and still do actually but more out of habit now, with music on because I thought as long as there was noise the creepy crawly’s that existed in that dark space between sunset and sunrise wouldn’t come get me.

I’m still terrified of silence honestly, but living in a world that’s a little bit quieter hasn’t proven to be that bad. I’m still very glad to find that my hearing seems to be returning and I’m hoping that it returns completely but in the meantime I’m a little less terrified of the idea of living in, at least partial, silence.


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Porcelain Figurines

WordPress Daily Prompt – Elegance

Every second I stare into this mirror
The cracks sink further into my skin.
Each one breaking, shattering, the light within.
Crushing it into shards, bruising and cutting their way to the floor.
Forming puddles of gold where the remains of our fears lie.
You fall so elegantly against the backdrop of life,
But I struggle to hold these porcelain figurines while I crumble silently inside.
Tonight I need you to prop me up, stand tall beside
But your just a faded memory, a distant aside.
You’ve become a silhouette in the smoke, a shadow etched in my bones.
One that I can see but no longer reach, no more can I call your arms home.
I want so badly to tell you all these things.
To admit to the faults my selfishness brought,
To ask for forgiveness and to help give me resolve
To stand against waves crashing, tumbling, breaking on the shore.
I fear that life is not a daydream, brilliant and romantic in its intent.
I’ll wake tomorrow still treading this sea alone.
And no one will see because I’m aware
The damsel in distress is not the hero of her fairytale.
I’ll continue to fall, elegantly twisting, breaking
Watching my soul shatter to pieces
While I struggle to protect all that I hold
In these porcelain figurines.

The Last Twinkies

WordPress Daily Prompt – Varnish

The varnish on the wood steps is peeling away, cracking and splintering like the shards I’ve begun to feel in my soul.

How long … I wonder. Has it always been that way or did it degrade suddenly and explosively? Just like this world? Just like me?

Maybe it was just covered before. The warmth of a fake wool runner that we slid down on our bellies just a few blinks ago seems to be nothing more than a distant memory. My mind holds it like a memory from another world, gently as if the slightest breath could ripple the illusion and forever break it.

Cobwebs have taken over corners and chairs like the one my father sat in on Sunday mornings while reading the comics. They stifle the echo of his laugh bouncing off ceilings and through the hallways.

Now the only sound I hear is Sigh obsessively opening and closing cabinets. It seems that no matter how far gone the world is we still believe food will materialize in mom’s pantry. I hear him cackle with glee, “Twinkies!”

And yet here we stand, still just two kids, with the world forever crumbling around us.

“Sia! I found Twinkies!” Wrappers fall to the ground as Sigh stuffs two at a time into his mouth. His eyes betray the wonder, they never stop darting from the window to the door as he shoves two packs into my hands. “This is it.” He whispers, “I’ll go over to the Johansson’s and see if there’s anything left.”

I turn the golden cakes over in my dirty fingers. They remind me of summers and pool parties. Hours spent outside running through backyards and climbing trees only to shove the most un-nourishing thing you can find through your starving lips as a prize.

“Sia.” Sigh leans close to me, his hazel eyes moving into sharp focus. “If I don’t come back you have to keep going.”

He pushes the pistol into my hands and two bullets before disappearing into the swirling snow that is the ashen world beyond our memories.

I brush the cobwebs from my father’s old chair and settle into it, hugging the pistol into my hip. I try to relax but my thirteen-year-old mind knows I should be talking on the phone with friends or going to movies, not guarding the last two packs of Twinkies with my life.

The sun sets beyond the roofs of our long-gone neighbors. I find myself wondering how many bodies have gathered in these homes, on this street, in this neighborhood I once called home. The wind howls against the door but Sigh does not.

How long … I wonder.


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Saintly Lie

WordPress Daily Prompt – Saintly

I sold myself a saintly lie,
Wrapped in taffeta ribbon,
Covered in gold glinted wrapping.
I pray nightly
To my golden deity;
Held high on hollow hopes and dreams.
I thought rightly,
“One day it will be me.”
I wait for my answers to subtle prayers.
Oh how I tread lightly,
As a plan takes shape in this mind.
“One day I will make you proud.”
I bow low and worship quietly,
But I will not be silent for long.
For the time has come to action.
I give you all in the name of my saintly lie.


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I Never Needed Saving

I’m not one to need saving,
I’d gladly send you on your way,
Ride into the sunset with your noble steed.
I can scale these walls on my own.

I never needed to be saved,
But these tower walls have grown long and tall
A widening dead space between safety and I.
I can’t scale these walls, slick with time.

I’m not one to need saving
But every step I take I feel myself breaking.
Stuck in this tower of faded time,
Watching the sunset over the ocean I’ll never touch.

I’ve never needed saving,
But would you come back if I called?
Turn your ships back towards my tower
And help me scale these walls slick with time?

I’ve never wanted to be saved,
But I hope we can find forgiveness,
To break these tower walls down for good.
Maybe I can touch the ocean after all.